But you can call me Madam Thornback

I am the person who has an opinion on just about everything. I love to give advice. I want to solve problems. (I'm working on asking people before I offer up my unsolicited opinion.) But there was a distinct moment in my early 20s were I felt my I should keep my mouth shut, wrapped up in the insecurity of my standing. We had just gone wedding dress shopping with one of my roommates and best friend. Another former roommate, who had been married for a few years, started sharing advice, specifically about wedding planning. As I sat in the car, a wave of panic rushed over me. I didn’t have any authority with which to offer advice. I had plenty of opinions and ideas but I hadn’t actually done it. The things I had learned from years and years of TLC’s A Wedding Story and reading so many blogs and magazines just didn’t seem as valuable as my friends lived experience. It was the first time I realized that there was a growing divide between my friends’ lives and mine, and it was just going to get bigger as they argued with their husbands and had babies and experienced infertility and the frustrations of parenthood. Having never been in a relationship, I feel like there’s this huge part of people’s lives that I can only relate to through secondhand experiences and Nora Ephron movies. I felt like in that moment, my experiences and ideas weren’t as valuable because I hadn’t been there. My friends never made me feel less important but the dark cloud of my relationship naïveté was there nonetheless.

Let's back up here. Never been in a relationship? Never? Yes, never. On Twitter, there’s been this trend of people posting their dating stats—how many relationships they’ve been in, how many of those people were blonde, brunette, taller than you etc. Always one to want to jump into every online trend and meme, I made a couple joke tweets that are still sitting in my drafts folder. Because the truth is, the real stats are just a whole bunch of goose eggs. It would look like the “size” column if you made a spreadsheet of Utah boutique models:

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I’m not easily embarrassed. Heck, most embarrassing moments make for a funny story later and we all know if it will get some laughs, I'll be the most self-deprecating. But at nearly 27 years old, my relationship experience, or lack thereof, is truly embarrassing for me. And something I don’t talk or write about much because of it. Sure, we all make jokes about how much dating sucks and how we aren’t going on dates but not many people my age have truly never been in a romantic relationship*. In fact, nothing ever really close. But I know I can’t be alone. 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten over the fear of giving advice I may not actually be entitled to give. I’m the girl whose never been kissed offering up sex advice at the bridal shower with reckless abandon. I realize that my secondhand knowledge is important and my different experience is often the perspective that’s needed to give clarity to a problem. But recently, a similar wave of panic swept over me as on that car ride half a dozen years ago.

Am I missing out on the things I need to learn from relationships in order to become a better person? Am I missing out on the chance to learn how to communicate? Is not ever being in a relationship it’s own baggage I’ll one day take into a relationship? Does any 25+ year old man want to deal with that? Have I missed out on all the practice for the one that really counts? Do I even know what I don't know?!

No.

I know now that my experiences are not less valid because they were experienced outside of a relationship. As a religious community and as a society at large, we focus so much on romantic and familial relationships. "A family is the most important connection you have" often looks more like "a family is the only important connection you have." 

Just because I haven’t been in a romantic relationship, doesn’t mean I haven’t and won’t continue to have meaningful relationships. Whether it’s family, friends, coworkers, I’m getting nuggets of the things I will eventually need to be in a successful relationship. Every relationship in our lives offers value and meaning—even if its just learning to recognize the ones that don’t offer value and meaning. I’m paying attention to the relationships around me. I’m paying attention to how I feel around certain people, so I can recognize those feelings later, even through the fog of endorphins. What do I feel like when I feel safe? Important? Special? What about when I’m not feeling those things? 

I'm grateful I've been able to figure out all these things on my own. It may be different but it's not wrong or any less valuable. We all have baggage. Things we're working on. Things we like, things we don't. 

They say it's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all. But honestly, I'm grateful I've gotten to feel and learn from so many different kinds of love, without the loss part.

*I recognize here that as a member of the LDS faith, I have a lot of straight, cisgender privilege and there are many members of the LDS and LGBTQ+ community who have not felt comfortable being in fulfilling relationships for them.

**An explanation for the heading:

Image description: A tweet from Sophia Benoit that says "Omg I just found out that spinster used to be reserved for women 23-26 and that after you turned 26 if you were unmarried you became a.... THORNBACK. How fucking great is that name!?"